Regretting your own memories

Growing up, my parents used to play classic mickey mouse basic english CDs for me and my brother to watch, and thanks to them, it has given me the skill I took most of my pride on. I can never imagine my life without my english skill, because it led me to my love for books early in my childhood. I would pick books to buy if we were going to a bookstore, or I would pick one from my parents' collection and read books way beyond my age. At the time, I never quite understood the content, and so they were lost in memories, but clearly, I just had to read whatever my hands could get. 

It was a habit of my mom to place a boundary on spending money. I wouldn't say she was cheap, but it was a way for her to teach us to spend money carefully. Despite the many amount of books I wanted to buy in a bookstore, she would limit me to pick one or two, the most. She never said no if it were books that I wanted, but for other useless things such as video games, comic books or playstation, she could fiercely declined. 

As a kid, I thought it was unfair for other kids to be allowed to have playstations. I always rumbled, whined, or thought of so many protests in my head but had a hard time expressing them because it wouldn't matter. When me and my mom had a fight, I would lock myself in my bedroom and had so many afflictions in my head, on why my life sucked and why I had to have a mom like that. But looking back, I realized that I always had what I needed, sometimes even more. It might not be in a form of video games or toys, but she would always make sure that we get the clothes we wanted and she still installed cable TV even if it were just a little bit out of our financial league. My eyes are tearing up.. realizing how blind we were as kids in appreciating what our parents have done and sacrificed for us. 

Now when I think about it, maybe I was too drawn in my own world of books and fairytales that I grew distant and uncaring for my mom's feelings, the precise reason why I took them for granted. Maybe the knowledge that books gave me took me closer to the world beyond and made me blind to the feelings of people around me. I would remember reading for hours on the sofa, and my mom would yell from downstairs looking for me and wondering what I'm doing, and I would just yell back and say that I'm reading without ever thinking that she probably missed my company. 

I wasn't much of a talker in the family. I regretted it, a lot. I would miss having conversations and fights with my mom over the simplest things. As much as I could remember, she would always criticize me in almost all of our conversations, that was probably why I grew to be a silent kid. But it was no reason to not make yourself a good company to your parents. I admit I wasn't the perfect child to begin with, although she told me once that the younger me was easy to handle. 

I'm sad for my mom and dad. As parents, they never get to see how grateful me and my brother are for what they've done for us. One thing that I would say if they could ever see us is 'thank you', and after that 'sorry'. Being parents is obligatory, but saying thank you for their tiniest effort is always mandatory. 

It's much too late for me now. But if you're reading this, please remind yourself each day to be grateful that you can still say thank you to your mom whenever you want. It would be much better if you do it at the moment when you think of her. I would trade anything to just be able to say thank you to my mom. Writing this might not change anything, since I don't have significant number of readers. But if you stumble upon this post, please don't feel sorry for me and call up your parents to say thank you, or hug them if they're here with you. 

The tears I'm having now doesn't mean more than the tears I had many nights before, or even the night my mother died. The sad I'm feeling now and then is only for me, so I don't deserve any of your pity. I even feel gross whenever I'm crying because I don't deserve to be feeling sorry for myself. I would feel much better if I could cry for others once in a while, but it's harder for me than to do it for myself, that's why I hate myself when I'm crying. 

Tears that are shed for others are always more valuable than the tears you shed for yourself.

Rifa