The Punk Singer

I'm known to be hard on myself, and yes I admit it. It's really annoying to know that you have the capacity but you just fall into the hand of whatever it is that distracts you from realizing what's really important. Getting close to my birthday, I started to think and expect a lot more from myself because if not me, then who else?

I have not been writing for a long time, I know. I was shocked that I could let myself astray and allow my grades to decline. I hate the feeling and I've been working to fix them. It soothes me to write again, although what I'm writing doesn't really go anywhere, but it's been a very loyal companion for me when I had to go through some very rough time. 

On the other hand, it still bothers me that what I'm writing about only matters to me. It feels wrong isn't it, to write about one thing, and that one thing is your life. I've been watching this movie lately, called The Punk Singer. It's a movie about Kathleen Hanna, the vocalist of Bikini Kill, and the voice behind the 'Riot Grrl!" movement in the 80s (I think). She said that she's never been heard of most of her life, no one was willing to listen to her. And the reason behind why she would want to be a singer of a punk band was to have her voice heard, and to make them listen about all the awful things that happen to women on her days. She, after that, became a musician with a purpose. All her songs contain messages, anything that she would have to say and would want other people to listen. And in many people's eyes, she was a force, a presence so powerful, and most capable of delivering the message on stage. At her time, she was a hero to any female underdogs that felt discouraged and oppressed by her environments. 

If I was able to sing punk and scream a tune, I would do just the same (well, not so sure). Unfortunately, I cannot and I only have in my power, a laptop and a blog to write. In a about a month, I'll be 20, and I realized that in my 19 years of life, I have never write about anything that really matters. So far, I've only used this tool to console myself when in real life, we can all use writing as a weapon, because words, believe me, can be as strong as a bullet, as long as we do them justice. I saw Kathleen Hanna, as a hero, not for what she's done and what she sang about in her band days, but because she dedicated her life to saying something that she thought is important to deliver to young (riot) girls. Some people might not like her for it, but I say, however she's done it, she herself at least, could look back and not regretting the silence which she chose not to keep. She was not even 20 at the time. 

But at the same time, I"ve always been used to the fact that there are rules in which I have to keep, even if the rules aren't exactly real, you know? For example, I've always been used to the fact that I should not do anything that would make my parents upset, which involves me living my life like a proper teenager. I'm accustomed to behaving myself to please everyone around me, and I do believe that this is what many young women and perhaps men in my generation are experiencing. This is alright, acceptable, until it becomes somewhat like a prison for our mind, critics and opinions. We have made it a habit to keep our mouth shut when it's the exact time to say something that we believe is true.  

I seriously want to change myself to stop allowing this to happen. I guess I will have to figure out how...