High school all over again

I thought to myself, "What's so hard about an interview?", and unconsciously, I'm back again when I was 17 years old and had to do a speech in front of the school after prayer time. I've always had a habit of underestimating things. If my mom was here right now, she would say, "The fault is yours, the key is always preparation, so when something goes wrong, you must be at fault." In some ways, that's the truth, but the truth doesn't have to swallow me whole. I should have been bigger than my fear, but I guess I lost sight of myself when I'm too focused on how to project myself. Nervousness and anxiety has always been my flaw, over my college years, I thought I have grown bigger and stronger than my flaws. But what happened yesterday set me back into when I was in high school. Why do I always belittle myself? Do I always have to project myself to convenience others? Why haven't I been comfortable enough to show my true self? These questions all circled in my head after the interview yesterday. 

It struck me heavy that I haven't even gained any confidence over the past 3 years. Or is it my preparation that wasn't quite enough? My mom has always been someone who sees ahead of things and someone who was sure of herself. I guess, I became the one who regrets things after they happened and the one who will never be sure of herself. Why do I always question myself after things became bad and not before? The difference between when I was 17 and the present time is that after the speech in front of the whole school, I felt I did well and see myself improving, seeing things have gotten better I took one step ahead. But now, I feel like I just took one step back, back to questioning things, and asking if I will be ready to be 21 this year. 

Despite the shitty interview that blew up my confidence, I really did learn something after taking my first interview ever. Despite the fact that I probably won't get the internship, I will hopefully be more prepared in future interviews. 


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